I write this after the fact.  I saw a photo that reminded me, of me.  Feeling like an a apparition at the time, with the weight of the world on me.  Transparent Atlas of sorts.

Today is my birthday.

I spent it alone, and for the most part miserable.

My wife is gone, and has been for some time.
The house is silent.
My Grandmothers is gone, and there was no phone call to sing me happy birthday.  Something she did every year of my life.

Even worse, I had no call from my Mom either.

The last time she forgot was a decade ago.  I remember it well…..up till I blacked out with rage.

#Lets go back 10 years#

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I waited the whole day to hear from my Mom.  The call never came.  She had forgot my birthday.  I never really expect any presents of any sorts, but the well wishes are the most important to me.

Jamez (Silky), Justin (Leech), Josh (Soup) were all at my house.  I think my wife may have been there as well, but I don’t think we were married yet.

The further into the day it got, the more angry I became.  I tried to hide it, push it back, lock it away.

I was sitting in the Gravity Chair (so named, because the gravity was so strong when you sat in it, it seemed like a black hole sucking you into sleep.  There was no fighting it).

Soup, was living with me and renting a room.  He was trying to strike out on his own in life and could not live with our parents any more.  I had given him specific rules about the house that he had agreed to comply with, but rarely did.  This day, however was no day to trifle with me.

I asked him about cleaning up his mess and he gave me some static.  By this point I had been fuming all day.  Something about his: tone, look, words, timbre…all struck me wrong.

I literally launched out of the Gravity Chair from a seated position and flew the 6 feet in between us.

I remember grabbing him by his neck and starting to beat the shit out of him.  Justin came in to pull me off of him.  I don’t recall, but I was told that I threw him off of me and back into the kitchen.  I do recollect looking up at James through the rage and him throwing his hands up as in “I don’t want any”.

I drug Soup into the yard and beat the shit out of him some more.

I begged him to hit me in the face, and even close my eyes so he would.

After that nothing, all blank.

When I came to, we stood apart.

Then I wept.

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3 days later.  3.

I got a call wishing me happy birthday.  My dad looked at my Mom and went “Oh shit.  We forgot J’s birthday”.

Bitch of it was, I even went over to their house the day of, and mowed the yard for them.

Happy Birthday to me.